The Future

Lately it has come to my attention that some of my readers don't like what I have to say on my blog. To that I say, hmmm I've picked up two more subscribers and a lot more views, so I must be doing something interesting at least.
Anyways, It has also come to my attention that I hold stuff in too much. To that I say I agree. Why is that though?
I could say it has something to do with the fact that I don't trust too many people and when I do, 8/10 they end up breaking my trust, my heart or just becoming someone i don't want to associate with.
I could also say it's because I don't want people to think that I'm crazy with how I think.

But I think what it all boils down to is that I don't want people to think I'm weak or not able to handle stress. These past two weeks have been some of the most stressful times that I've fasted in a little bit, and I will admit, I've been handling it...well fairly well, to which I mean I haven't torn off anyone's head yet.

I have a coworker that thinks that she's the next queen of England, in that everything has to be done her way....even though she's not a manager...interesting.
I have a couple of weeks to finish a polygraph and 3 ride alongs.

It just seems like everything is stacked up against me and I really just want to tearing new ones.

To add to this, I'm going through my legendary what -if thought process' right now. Where I start thinking about all the things that have gone wrong in my life and how I could have done something differently. So...if you get a weird text from saying something along the lines of "so how do you think I should have acted in this situation" or  "what would you have done if this happened." Don't ask questions, all you'll get back is a ...curiosity.
But in all honesty, the biggest thing on my mind is the Navy. What if I hadn't of failed that PT. Would I be standing on the bridge of a ship in the middle of the med, or would I have been discharged for something else?
What if I can't cut it as a Cop?
What if I let down my friends? my family? my girlfriend?
What if I let down God?

Welcome to why I am down to less than 2 1/2 hours of sleep a night. I can't stop thinking about it. The worst part is that I started talking to a friend of mine and the first thing she asked was..."you not sleeping again?" *facepalm*
It's never good when you're known as the one that can't sleep cause I think too much.

But I want so badly for the clouds to open up and for God to say "Hey hombre, don't worry about the future man, it's going to be awesome Presidente."
Yes, maybe I imagine God with a bit of a Spanish accent, idk why, but it sounds cool in my head.

I know that if God were to do that it would take away a lot of the fun and adventure in life, but it would also relieve a lot of stress.

God sure has blessed me with something good though. The ability to think of every possible situation and then to worry about the worst case one while watching as the best case one fades into the past and the worst case scenario comes alive.

There are days when I just want someone to walk up to me and slap me in the face really hard. I feel like that would somehow help everything...or just make someone feel better.

In all honesty, I know everything is going okay. Eventually I will find the career that I am meant to be in and I will do my best at it. And when I do, I'll look back at all this worrying and laugh...preferably while smoking a  cuban cigar and sitting on the patio of my 5 story mansion (okay okay, i'll settle for a 3 story one, BUT NOTHING LESS!)
I want to make my parents proud to brag about me, and I want God to be happy with who I am. But most importantly, I want to be able to help people. That is my biggest thing right now. I want to get into a career that really helps people out. We'll see I guess.

So now that I've vented for a good solid 4 minutes, I think that's good. All my crazy is out for the world to see and I don't mind.

I hope everyone has a blessed week.

God Bless.

JWB