The Wait

Ever wanted something so bad, played all your cards, then waited for the next group to make their move? Well that's the situation I'm in now.
Trying to get into the Police Academy is possibly one of the most nerve wracking things I've done. At least getting into the Navy, I knew what was coming. I had friends that had done it, I knew the process. Here, I'm a guy walking down the street with my shirt over my eyes. I'm nervous of what's to come. But, like any good soldier, I'm walking tall. Remembering to keep my head up and eyes open. You never know what to expect, but always be ready for anything.
Lately I've had a lot of people ask me why I want to become a Cop? Why not just hug a desk?
I feel a calling to serve my country. Serve my God.
I want my Father to be able to say that he's proud of me. But more so, I want God to be able to say he's proud of me.
I know the times are dangerous for Police. I know there is a lot of chances that I will at sometime in my career be shot at. But if you live your life in fear of being injured, then you might as well clock out now, cause it's a pointless life.
Obviously, I hope that I will never encounter a situation where I have to draw my weapon, I would never wish that on anyone. But if the situation ever arises, you have to be ready. You have to be willing.
In life there are three choices. You can give up, give in, or stand up.
I personally am never one to give up. I don't know what the words give in mean. So that only leaves one option. To stand up. Not just for me. But for what's right. Stand up for those that can't protect themselves. That is why I am doing what I am doing. Not to better myself. But to maybe, hopefully, make a small difference in this world.
I'm reminded of the movie Act of Valor, there was a poem in there that I am very familiar with. I want to share that with you tonight. Hopefully, it'll inspire you as much as it did me.

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion;
respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours.
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.
Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
even a stranger, when in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living.
If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools
and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled
with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep
and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

That Feeling

Well, yesterday was a day that I really hope to forget in the near future. Started like crap, ended even worse. For starts, the parentals are I are at each other's throats again. So much so that I started to look for a new place to live. I'm really just tired of being stuck.
Which brings me to the next thing of yesterday, possibly the one glimmer of light.  I was told about a job opportunity aboard the HMS Bounty. This is a position of sheer awesomeness. I would be a crew member aboard a sailing ship, sailing across the world and telling about this ships history.
I would be learning sailing, learning about history, camping aboard a freaking awesome ship and, best of all, there isn't any internet on ship, there isn't any cell signal on the ocean, so I would be completely disconnected from the world, which right now, isn't a bad thing.
I think it would be nice to just get away from the world right now. Forget about all the people that want anything from me and just leave.
I'm tired of thinking about whether or not I'm going to find the one. I know I know, "you're too young to be thinking about settling down, have fun." For all you that are thinking that, let me let you in on a little piece of my brain, I once had something awesome. I had things figured out. I had a job that I had wanted since I was 2 years old, I had a woman that "loved" me, I had the world in the palm of my hand.
"What happened though Justin?" Well, I got lazy. I stopped working out in order to spend more time studying and being with this new girl, then I got lazy with the relationship. I wanted to get married, but at the same time, I think part of me knew that she wasn't the one. So, all that ended. And might I had...ended horribly.
But Justin, that was almost 7 months ago, why are you still thinking about all that? Well, April 15 was supposed to be the day that I got married. Only a hand full of people knew about it, and therefore I didn't want to tell anyone. I just wanted to have a normal day. But from the start, I knew it wasn't going to be a normal day.
But ever since that day in August, I still think about whether or not I am going to get another chance. I mean I've been engaged twice. How many chances does a guy get before God just says No?
I want to find the woman that makes me happy, just by being there. I want to find the girl that knows me, knows what I like, knows how to make me laugh, how to, just be there. Will I find her though?
I feel like I'm searching for my yellow umbrella. That one thing in the world that I want more than anything and the stars are aligning just right to make it happen one day.
I want someone that wants to be with me. I feel like every time I get into a relationship, the girl ends up finding out that she doesn't like me.
But here's the kicker, even in my short little month long relationships, I still pour my heart out into them, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe she's supposed to be that one. So, at the end of the day, all it leaves me with is an empty heart and a lot less friends.
Hell, I want that girl that I can take out and just see the world with. Someone that while sitting on the couch will just randomly stand up and say "lets go to the Carribean." To which my response will be "I have to work tomorrow." To which her response will be "okay, lets get Carribean food for dinner then."
I know people say that time heals all wounds, but here I am. 7 months out from what I thought was going to be it and I still feel like crap everyday. I often wonder what will come next.
I guess it's time to just start following my heart. Start building my relationship with God, start building my relationship with my friends. Maybe, just maybe I'll be led to find my very own yellow umbrella. The ankle in the hallway.
On a side note, yes I have been watching a lot of HIMYM. No, it has not led me to be thinking about all this, it has led me believe that I might still have a chance of finding something awesome someday.
I guess only time will tell what's in store for me. Who knows?

The Future

Lately it has come to my attention that some of my readers don't like what I have to say on my blog. To that I say, hmmm I've picked up two more subscribers and a lot more views, so I must be doing something interesting at least.
Anyways, It has also come to my attention that I hold stuff in too much. To that I say I agree. Why is that though?
I could say it has something to do with the fact that I don't trust too many people and when I do, 8/10 they end up breaking my trust, my heart or just becoming someone i don't want to associate with.
I could also say it's because I don't want people to think that I'm crazy with how I think.

But I think what it all boils down to is that I don't want people to think I'm weak or not able to handle stress. These past two weeks have been some of the most stressful times that I've fasted in a little bit, and I will admit, I've been handling it...well fairly well, to which I mean I haven't torn off anyone's head yet.

I have a coworker that thinks that she's the next queen of England, in that everything has to be done her way....even though she's not a manager...interesting.
I have a couple of weeks to finish a polygraph and 3 ride alongs.

It just seems like everything is stacked up against me and I really just want to tearing new ones.

To add to this, I'm going through my legendary what -if thought process' right now. Where I start thinking about all the things that have gone wrong in my life and how I could have done something differently. So...if you get a weird text from saying something along the lines of "so how do you think I should have acted in this situation" or  "what would you have done if this happened." Don't ask questions, all you'll get back is a ...curiosity.
But in all honesty, the biggest thing on my mind is the Navy. What if I hadn't of failed that PT. Would I be standing on the bridge of a ship in the middle of the med, or would I have been discharged for something else?
What if I can't cut it as a Cop?
What if I let down my friends? my family? my girlfriend?
What if I let down God?

Welcome to why I am down to less than 2 1/2 hours of sleep a night. I can't stop thinking about it. The worst part is that I started talking to a friend of mine and the first thing she asked was..."you not sleeping again?" *facepalm*
It's never good when you're known as the one that can't sleep cause I think too much.

But I want so badly for the clouds to open up and for God to say "Hey hombre, don't worry about the future man, it's going to be awesome Presidente."
Yes, maybe I imagine God with a bit of a Spanish accent, idk why, but it sounds cool in my head.

I know that if God were to do that it would take away a lot of the fun and adventure in life, but it would also relieve a lot of stress.

God sure has blessed me with something good though. The ability to think of every possible situation and then to worry about the worst case one while watching as the best case one fades into the past and the worst case scenario comes alive.

There are days when I just want someone to walk up to me and slap me in the face really hard. I feel like that would somehow help everything...or just make someone feel better.

In all honesty, I know everything is going okay. Eventually I will find the career that I am meant to be in and I will do my best at it. And when I do, I'll look back at all this worrying and laugh...preferably while smoking a  cuban cigar and sitting on the patio of my 5 story mansion (okay okay, i'll settle for a 3 story one, BUT NOTHING LESS!)
I want to make my parents proud to brag about me, and I want God to be happy with who I am. But most importantly, I want to be able to help people. That is my biggest thing right now. I want to get into a career that really helps people out. We'll see I guess.

So now that I've vented for a good solid 4 minutes, I think that's good. All my crazy is out for the world to see and I don't mind.

I hope everyone has a blessed week.

God Bless.

JWB

Let the Good Times Flow

Sorry I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. Part of this is due to the fact that I am now working my butt off at the store, the other part has to do with the fact that I am merely too lazy to sit down and write a blog without the TV on. My bad readers.

Let me fill you in on a decision that I have made today.

SO lately the one thing that has been getting me in trouble more than anything else is my mouth. I didn't even think about it until about 20 minutes ago when I was talking to my friend Erin. I told her about 2 weeks ago that I  never needed to worry about filtering things, people knew it was me and that it was just part of who I was, blunt, egotistical, and the group laugh.
But lately, there have been a couple of complaints at work from customers saying that I'm a "smart ass" and that I need to be "disciplined for how I talk."  WHAT?!?!? I mean come on! It's me, I'm Justin, I'm lovable, everyone loves to talk to me.
I've been noticing though that less and less people are texting me as much as they were before. Less people are wanting to hang out, shoot the breeze and such. Is this because I'm a rebel without a cause, don't care whose in the room, I'll say what's on my mind then and there?
But like I told Erin, now 23 minutes ago when I told her that I needed to start thinking before I spoke, trying to filter my conversations, her response being what I told her 2 weeks ago "But you wouldn't be you, right?"
The worst part is that I knew what my response would have to be, because there was only way to answer that question. I needed to mature, I needed to grow up.
I'm no longer in College, or High School where it's cool and hip to be the loud mouth and the class clown. I'm now an Adult. Where it's good to have thoughts, but only voice the good ones.
Unfortunately, this isn't an easy battle for me. I've always just said whats on my mind, no matter what the situation is. But there isn't any choice here. My mouth has gotten me in trouble for the last time! It's time to think before I speak.
I have high ambitions, like politician high. There is no possible way that I can become one when all that comes out of my mouth is the first thing in my mind. I'll be laughed out of the first auditorium I go to, if I get that far.

But onto the good news. So I passed my physical test for entrance into the Police Academy. WOO!
Now onto the tough part. A packet. In it...the requirement to complete a polygraph, driving history, drug test, finger printing and 5 ride-a longs, all within 2 weeks. (this is where a group gasp would go)
So the next two weeks are going to be the most stressful, the most trying and the most rigorous I've had in a lil while. If I survive, the reward is great. If I fail, the punishment is staying where I am. And as much as I like my job, I want to be able to support a family someday, I want to live on my own again, and do something worth while in the world. I want to help people.

Also, I've been trying to get closer with God. Easter really shed some light on me that maybe I haven't gotten as close with God as I want to be. I have turned my back on God once again. This seems to be a common occurrence: ask God to help me out of the troubles that I'm in, realize that I'm starting to succeed again and that I might be able to finish the last part on my own, turn my back on God and say that I did it all on my own, then land myself back in the trouble of where I started.
So I've been trying to read the bible more, pray more, even try to make it to bible study more. Anything to repair the feeling that I had when I first moved back to Jax. That was a wonderful feeling and I truly do miss it.

Anyways, I'll stop rambling. I hope everyone has a great week coming up, I'll try to post more often...if possible.

The battle of a lifetime

As some of you know, I have recently been in a battle with my former real estate company over in Tallahassee. They decided to send me a bill for $8.51 when they owe me well over 700. I had decided to make them my new retirement plan, but circumstances changed and I decided it would take forever to take them to court and probably even longer to see any money from them.

But, I do not bow lightly to anyone. I decided to let them know how I feel about their company and how disrespectful they are.

So without further ado here it ladies and gentlemen, the letter that I will sending to a company that treats me like an idiot.

This letter is to inform you that I, Justin Brown have enclosed a check for the amount of $8.51 and therefore concluding my business with this company and also to inform you of why I will never do business with you again.

            During my short time dealing with this company I have encountered some of the most awful customer service I have ever had, counting my trips to Wal-Mart. The sheer disrespect and know-it-all attitude of every person at this company has left me with a bad taste in my mouth.  

            The only motivation I have to pay this $8.51 is because of the fact that I am sick and tired of dealing with this company and being treated like an idiot by everyone on your staff.

            I sent your staff a grand total of five (5) emails regarding the rent that I paid during the month of February. Even when I called and spoke to people no one informed me that the rent would not get returned to me, in fact quite the opposite, everyone said there would be a CHECK sent out within the week, always within the week. I have a feeling this was done to calm me so you could then sneak around and charge me even more money.

            I will turn my head to fact that your math indicates that I owe you money, whereas if you are looking at the entire balance sheet that you sent me and add up the numbers, you still owe me another $508.51, unless there are more hidden charges you have added and didn’t inform me about.

            The fact that you are charging me for damages done to the townhouse is despicable. My mother came to help me grab the last of everything I had and while there she managed to take photos of the entire place as I left it, in impeccable state. There are some charges that I agree with, but others that just make me realize that you are just trying to steal money from your tenants upon departure from you.

            I have been informed by a legal representative that I have the right to take you to court for this money, but the sheer fact that I would have to deal with this company one more time in my life disgusted me beyond all accord.

            If for any reason I receive any more notifications of payment, I will be seeking legal action.

           

Sincerely, 

I don't know if this letter will actually change anything, but who knows. If nothing else, it makes me feel better. Thank you for all those that suggested that I take them to the bank with owing me money, but I have decided it be best to just go ahead and pay up.

Next time though, I pity the company that tries to steal from me.

Being Watched from Above

There are so many times that I psych myself out and then realize that I had no reason at all to fret about it. For instance, I was in Tallahassee on Saturday for my PAT test, I woke up at 0400 to get ready for what seemed like the ultimate test of endurance and mental toughness.I got there, watched as several people were disqualified for various reasons, remembering the lines at MEPs when I joined the Navy, the big red disqual on your record. But then we got outside, to the course, and I did fine. I did better than fine. I nailed it, if I may say so myself.
I had spent so much time worrying about it that I had literally caused myself stomach pains. But there was no reason to worry at all, because I had been training for this exact moment.
I came home and my dad said something to me that just numbed me. He said "you made your grandfathers proud."
For those of you that read my blog about my Grandpa Spangenberg you know all about him. But let me tell you quickly about my Grandpa Brown. He was a man that never smoked, never drank, never cussed, never raised his voice. He was a guard at the Tomb of the Unknown soldier back before the Korean war. He was a man that had the most calming voice and touch that I've ever known. Stories say that when I was a baby, I would be crying my eyes out and he would pick me up and I would instantly stop. He was a Mason.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to know him very well as he passed away in 1993 after a long battle with Leukemia. But, he never stopped affecting my life. There have been many times when someone in the family will say, "man, Justin looks like a blonde headed dad, or a blonde headed Bobby."

Lately, I've been trying to better myself as a human, a christian and a friend. I've been studying the bible and seeing things that I have never seen before. I've been training my body to go farther and do things that I have never been able to do before. I've been training my soul, to help me withstand temptation from the Satan and help me be able to stand tall in the name of God and Jesus.

But I do all this to honor the name that I have been given. I am not only Justin. But I am also a Brown. I know that's one of the most common last names in the world, but it's my last name.
To quote Deirkes Bently, "I may not make it famous, but I'll never bring it shame."
I am a Brown. For that I am honored. There is a long tradition of honor in my family. We stand tall, we walk straight and we never forget who God is.

Whether or not I become a Law Enforcement Officer or a Merchandiser for a Soda Company, I will do it to the best of my ability because I will be wearing the last name Brown on my I.D tag.

Never forget where we all came from. It's the best present we can give those that came before us.

Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.
W. Somerset Maugham

New Found Wave

Lately I've felt something I haven't felt in a while. A complete happiness. A knowing that I'm not necessarily going through things that haven't been gone through before.
It's pretty bad when one of the guys at work, who I've known for less than 3 months, approaches me and asks if everything was okay. Then, he immediately knew it was girl problems because I was constantly dropping things. "Rev's got a crush on a girl." That's all I heard for the past 2 weeks. *sigh*
Or when a guy that I talk to every now and then, but never too much, walks up to me and asks if everything is going okay. You know that there is something going on.
But, whether it be the fact that I'm in the midst of talking to a girl that I liked and am starting to regain feelings for, or because I am now stronger in my faith than ever, I feel like walking on sunshine. Which, I know, would result in me falling and probably (knowing my luck) result in me getting seriously injured, but whatever.
I also have a healed foot, thank you to all for your prayers and concerns. I was able to go for a long jog for the first time on Thursday. It feels good to be back out running the roads. I think that is possibly the best feeling in the world to me.
But I also feel a strong pull towards something I haven't loved since I moved back to Jax. I know, this is going to make a lot of you hit "X," so let me direct you towards it now.

But I'm really starting to love Politics again. Newt Gingrich. You have my endorsement.
During the debate on Friday night, he was asked about his whole "ex-wife" incident. He, paraphrasing, said, it's not of your business and it sickens me that you would open up the debate with some of that bull.
Lets just say, Justin sat there with his mouth open. I immediately told my friends, I'm endorsing him.
I personally think we need more people like that. Not afraid to stand up and say, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!! More politicians not afraid to stand before the media and yell at them for being the most bias entity on the face of this planet.

So there you have that.

Well, I'm trying to find a new hobby. I am determined to make 2012 the year of the New Justin. I'm done with the being the ladies man that goes through women like it's a fad. I'm tired of being the guy that turns his back on his friends when they need him the most. I'm tired of turning my back on God when I need Him the most.
Hence why I'm trying to change: Mind, Body and Spirit.
Mind: trying to be less dependent on others when I have a problem. Want to be able to turn to God instead.
Body: trying to be more healthy. Less Junk, more Hunk...or something like that.
Spirit: trying to be more in touch with God, know more about what He wants from me and trying to speak the gospel correctly and understand it to the best of my abilities.

This is going to be the year where I try to be more of a gentleman and less of a prowler. Where I try to be more of an athlete and less of a potato. Where I try to be less like a turtle and more like a sheep (sheep is religious...just fyi...turtle...means nothing...that I know of...)

It's time for me to stand up to my fears and look them dead in the eye and say "Hi."

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Andy Warhol